#develop a routine even
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if you have only One Thing in your life right now (fandom, perhaps, or mental illness recovery, or a person), i have been there and I am here to tell you: find another thing.
i know it's hard! many things cost money! but you gotta. it will improve your life immeasurably.
you can start very small. perhaps begin to draw even though you think you are bad at it. perhaps make playlists or pinterest boards or powerpoint slides based on your mood. get really into tiny things, or dogs, or yarn.
this will spiral out in wonderful ways! you can build self-efficacy, make new friends, and take a break once in a while from your One Thing. that Thing will benefit from you taking breaks, and so will you.
if you have the time, money, and space, i cannot say enough good things about getting a pet if you're in this situation. got my dog post-divorce and he really helped me out when all i had was misery and regret and my family (no shade to my family but it wasn't working as a One Thing for any of us).
#self-efficacy#fandom#mental illness recovery#mental illness#loneliness#hobbies#i'm not saying touch grass here#i'm saying make some meaning#develop a routine even#i promise this helps
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dysfunctional girls jv tennis team vs the zombie apocalypse :]
#character design#illustration#visual development#esther’s ocs#for a story im cooking up#i think a lot about the fact that the girls i played tennis with still routinely wish each other happy birthday in our old groupchat#even though we are half a decade removed from the time we all played on the same team#something something about the evergreen nature of healthy female friendships idk#artists on tumblr
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I was wondering who kipperlily was reminding me of, and I finally remembered last night—ocean from ride the cyclone. as in, yes, these morals are fucked but also this is a child. it is the moral duty of the adults around her to foster better morals and traits like compassion and empathy. I can’t blame her for being so primed to be taken advantage of; that being said, if/when that influence is removed and if she is given a chance to change, that is on her.
in a meta sense, brennan has established that there is a difference in the teenage villains he creates, and the vast majority of them are not pure irredeemable evil—they were influenced/groomed into their role and given external support/the ability to be free from that and change, they take it. how I’m seeing it, that’s being set up for at least a few of the rat grinders.
#d20#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#fhjy#fantasy high junior year spoilers#fhjy spoilers#I could see there being some narrative beat similar to the one w ruben-seeing the scared pre-rage version still in there#also while I’m here-yes ideally klcp should’ve been referred out for intensive help and all that. but following that logic of actually#caring about mental health then at the very least most of that school probably needs some level of routine appts. Not saying that’s bad!#but jawbone is only one person with most of the faculty gone and while hes doing his best he doesn’t have the clinical training someone irl#would have-much less to say whether that infrastructure even exists somewhere like elmville. idk it’s complicated and not done yet so I dont#feel comfortable preemptively assuming what morals or values the narrative is promoting. like the morals of tgp s1 vs s1-4 are similar but#Vastly different in the actual ethical minutiae and how much the premise has been developed and elaborated on#can you guys tell my finals are over and my brain is finally turning back on 🥳
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strange new worlds is not doing enough strange or new for me
#strange new worlds#snw critical#the nostalgia bait show is failing to both provide nostalgia or give me a new reason to watch#the writing is so solid overall and it’s so pretty and the cast is giving so much effort and yet it just feels stuck#and impeded by canon#and the episodic format both helps and hinders this#I get that it’s supposed to TOS-esque in that way but there’s a reason why I routinely forget half that show#as opposed to TNG or DS9#also in this specific ep DSC did so much heavy lifting to give us a plausible new Spock and SNW Spock is…..#not right even just in comparison to his original appearance let alone TOS Spock#where’s his bitchiness and his love of science and his barely logically supported batshit ideas where did he go#it’s like for every five minutes Spock being himself#we get an episode of purposefully OOC Spock and it’s throwing me off#and that would be fine but other than him and Pike no one is getting substantial development#how was season 1 better with this im so very confused
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#how do you develop any kind of interest in your own wellbeing asking for a friend#i don’t care. i’m worried about not caring but that’s not the same as caring. if i cared i’d do something about it#if i was my own child someone would’ve taken me off me long ago lmfao#if i was my own fucking DOG the animal people would be involved. christ#the kind of effort i’d have to go to in order to make a functional adult out of.. this just seems totally insurmountable most of the time#like there’s just too much to tackle. no routines and even less self esteem where do you even start. screams#personal
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Not even being dramatic when I say this is the 2nd worst gymnastics scandal after Sydney 2000. The FIG should be ASHAMED of themselves for their handling of this Olympics
#olympics#now everyone has to deal with the fallout that will happen once the ioc officially requests for jordan to give her medal back#i have had a lot of changing opinions about this floor final and this is what i now think#the judges did make a mistake about accepting Jordan's inquiry. but they haven't answered when the 1 minute starts#do they start a timer as soon as the scores are displayed#does the coach have to go to the judging area within the one minute? or does a form have to be filled out and a fee have to be paid?#transparency would be GREAT#they bumped ana's score from 13.7 to 13.766 and nobody has explained where the .066 came from#also sabrina got a 0.1 oob deduction but people have reviewed her routine and she never stepped oob#because her coach didn't inquire about this she doesn't have a chance at the bronze even though it should have gone to her to begin with#just a disaster all around#and also multiple gymnasts have gotten screwed by the judging + the judges haven't been consistently applying deductions#suni went out of bounds on vault at aa finals and didn't get a penalty#heard people talk about gymnasts going overtime at the bb finals without a penalty but simone got a .3 deduction for not saluting#but she actually did salute#one gymnast got a .3 deduction when it should have been a .1 deduction and that took her out of aa finals even though she should be there#no accountability from the FIG who caused this but the athletes are having to suffer from their mistakes#and i doubt anyone is gonna lose their job or be punished by this#and don't get me started on the amount of racism that is also at play with all of this#I'm sooooooo upset and the more developments that come out the more i think FIG should be dismantled#it's nof right to play with people's mental health like this
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i got curious about mary's role post-resurrection so i looked at a list of all her appearances in season 12 only to discover that she's only in about half of the episodes. which is surprising because like, where the fuck is she going? where is her character arc going to take her such that she's separated from her children for entire episodes, 33 years in the future with everyone else she's ever known or loved dead?
i'm just eternally fascinated that supernatural is a show about sam and dean, and literally no other character including their own mother is allowed to impede on that. every other character has to be removed at some point from the brotherly unit so as not to infringe on their domination of the narrative. every other character is expendable, unnecessary for the show to function continuously. every other character can go off on their own for several episodes at a time and live a life separate from them. there's no limit to this and no one is allowed to get close enough to sam and dean to negate this reality.
#liveblogging: supernatural#i wouldn't say they commit to this very well because the presence of the recurring cast expands their world and does a disservice to the#themes of isolation and the idea that they only have each other established by early seasons#but the bunker also does a disservice to the premise of it being a road show so like there are plenty of criticisms to make about how#spn has changed over the years#anyway i have critiqued spn on its inability to commit to either a small isolated cast OR a large recurring cast#which is where a lot of the issues i have with many characters stem from#since they're not well developed for the roles the show is trying to force them into#and potential is routinely wasted#anyway. that's just tangential. at the end of the day the show does always bring it back to sam and dean. one unit.#and no one not even other main characters are allowed into that inner circle#made real and evident by their mere presence or absence across episodes#it's just an interesting thing#.txt#spn posting
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this dialogue path im so 😭😭🤭🤭
#shri’iia going like you weren’t THAT good 🙄 as if she didn’t come multiple times bc he’s probably more attentive than her matriarch#like I imagine her matriarch being a very selfish lover and she always receives and never gives and shri’iia being so used to that#so when the act 1 forest sex scene comes and astarion performs as he does and he’s very giving and thorough and more focused on her own#pleasure than his shri’iia is like ?? brakes screeching noises in her brain she’s not used to this btw#not to mention she’s already drunk as fuck and trying so very hard to ignore the pain in her chest from oath breaking#so she gets even more confused and she just lets him do what he wants to do#cue the morning after .. ‘you weren’t THAT good’ whatever you’re just saving face 😭#anyway. I like this dialogue path too bc you get an insight on astarion’s pov where he says he was holding back and making his excuse#when he was probably dissociating / feeling disgusted at having to do his routine again#but then it’s all part of his plan so he gotta do it. also that’s what he knows how to do so he has to do it and liking it is a diff matter#but when he says the ‘how dare you’ like it feels more playful so I think that kind of dynamic where they clown on each other is what they#both like. I also think that in the second time they sleep together it’s a bit more playful bc they’re getting that kind of dynamic more#based on the flirting scenes you can get prior the second time he offers to sleep together again#but to me when they overtly flirt / or when they fuck is when the seeds of the romance are planted .. it only develops when they start to#hang out with each other lol. like this whole romance that’s built on deceit and using each other#gets developed bc they actually like being in each other’s company 😭😭 idk that’s so cute to me#and when they’re actually together it’s like. this slowburn where they’re not putting any labels on it#they just hang out with each other for the next couple of hundred years and occasionally get married#multiple times for the attention and gifts lol#actually have more thoughts abt astarion/shri’iia 😭 they’re infesting my mind like mold#shut up about bg3.#bg3 spoilers
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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.
#medical stuff cw#i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat#vent cw#i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay#i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated#my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition#so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells#because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly#terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle#i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer#but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first#so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane#also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia#now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine#so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved#because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe#at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months#however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?
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yeah yeah there is no glory in suffering but i do insist upon it all the same
#having another day where i refuse myself my pain remedies to prove to myself that i even Am in pain#(i am. i have been for as long as i can remember.)#but i still have to remind myself of that every now and then i guess#especially now that ive developed a better routine for managing it#i guess its too good sometimes lmao#gotta forgo the routine for a day to remember how much it sucks to not have it#dw ill cave and take ibuprofen eventually lol#crow.txt#painposting
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hmm
#this is the first time since i graduated high school (which i did 8 years ago)#that i'm at a good place in life – as in... doing well in school#got a stable job that i worked for really hard for YEARS#i'm making new friends and developing a new healthier routine despite being incredibly tired#while also being here and indulging in a hobby/you guys#and i booked a summer vacay to a place i've ALWAYS wanted to see!!#for the first time in a long time i've so many good things going on in life and am not feeling like i'm wasting my time.. and it's nice#now just onto finding true internal happiness.. or well not even that – just wanna be content#and then maybe seek actual happiness... but what i wanna say is#it'll be okay.. it'll be okay#if for me then for you as well#things won't hurt forever#personal
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Revisiting it tomorrow but Rust (Swap!Pap) has the design that's changed the least since the start of the story, I think? (Ec-4o.verse related)
He's the kinda younger brother who can help his older brother keep his shop afloat even in a post-apocalyptic setting, and also spend his freetime learning to use a Sword made of Electricity because he can be a bit silly too.
#Rust is my beloved#because intitally he was an afterthought but he just keeps growing on me#he has no clue wtf Blue is doing or how he's been doing it but he takes no shit from anyone#his bro is the coolest and he'll make sure pepple know it (he's still lazy. just very pro-active and a little silly with intimidation)#he also Vapes and Blue can't stand it because even tho Rust doesn't have lungs it's a bad habit.#he's like a grown guy who has an office job but spends his freetime larping. it's a solid routine. also no one expects#him to pull a Sword. not when guns and enhanced limbs exist#he's goofy#want to doodle him more tomorrow#glad I miraculously developed the ability to draw papyrus at somepoint too???
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The Web (1947)
"Isn't there some way we can get together on this?"
"Oh, sure. You confess and I'll arrest you."
#the web#1947#film noir#american cinema#michael gordon#william bowers#bertram millhauser#harry kurnitz#ella raines#edmond o'brien#vincent price#william bendix#maria palmer#john abbott#fritz leiber#howland chamberlain#tito vuolo#wilton graff#robin raymond#hans j. salter#visually this isn't the most impressive example of the genre‚ but in scripting and dialogue this is a beautifully constructed top tier noir#it feels like every line is a sharp retort‚ a witty aside or a loaded innuendo; Eddie O'Brien‚ grinning like a cheshire cat and doing his#best to channel Bogart‚ alternates between rattling off insults and flattery‚ routinely humbled by the wonderful Ella Raines and of course#a young Vincent Price‚ exuding pure smarm as a cool and callous killer who isn't once rattled by O'Brien's strongarm tactics#the plot isn't especially original and offers few surprises but it's honestly so beautifully drawn‚ executed with such precision and such#superb charm that it's kind of impossible not to have a great time. even side characters are fully developed and given their own#full personality and life beyond the central focus (particularly rewarding is Bendix as a deadpan asshole cop whose dogged refusal to trust#anyone at all threatens to see O'Brien swing for a crime he didn't (quite) commit). top notch cast and an excellent script#all ending in a suitably shadowy denouement; there are better noir films‚ sure‚ but this still feels sort of indispensable to the canon
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always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds
#the first time i treated my thyroid my endo was like ‘i havent had a patient who had this happen for a while so im due for one’ THANKS MAN#personal#im just waiting for it to hurry up and work. my health has PLUMMETED in the last week or so#im so sick and i can’t DO ANYTHING. including SLEEP. even if i was getting enough good sleep i was be exhausted but i’m not so.#the energy’s doing Great#and i’m so hungry all the time but also nauseous so all food is unappealing#genuinely have no idea how i made it through years 7-10 undiagnosed. no wonder i ended up with such a severe phobia of going to bed????????#i don’t have to worry about routine right now so it’s not as stressful (just horrible because i’m so tired) but i COULDNT SLEEP back then#im just relieved that this time it was found through a routine check rather than me getting a test because of symptoms#usually i test when my anxiety gets really bad in a specific way#but my anxiety isn’t bad this time. no panic attacks and also no migraines. those are all usually the worst to deal with#so comparatively this isn’t even a particularly bad episode?/relapse?/flare?#still more sick than i’ve been in……..years?#im not sure if covid was better or worse. but it was only really bad for a week#this’ll be worse overall because it’ll last a lot longer#hopefully only a month or two but that’s still a few months of my life that just vanish. cool!!!!!!!!!!!#and there wasn’t even a notable event to trigger it this time. first time was whooping cough and subsequent times have been things like—#starting uni and then the last 2 years of uni where i took 10 units in one year then overworked myself doing my thesis#im SLIGHTLY worried that maybe i’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis and that set it off because it’s also autoimmune#i should see my gp soon to get a general antibody test. my joint have been so bad it’s been hard to walk for quite a few months#idk man it all sucks. but for now at least i have my white blood cells (even if they’re literally the problem lmao)
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I just saw scott pilgrim fanart and anytime anything makes me remember Scott Pilgrim my brain goes into overdrive about how bad the movie was for the story, actually.
Great movie it deserved to be successful but hooooooooly shit they just removed like, every actual part of Scott figuring out his problems and confronting them and trying to be a better person. Scott Pilgrim is one of those top-tier "shitty dudes idolize him for entirely wrong reasons" but unlike Tyler Durden or Tony Montana or whatever it's not that the deconstruction fundamentally fails to target the object of deconstruction, it's literally just what the movie shows.
#Scott Pilgrim#He had an alcoholic phase in college and routinely rewrites his memories to make the women he fucked over the aggressors#You can kinda forgive it cause the 6th book was still being written but they cut Gideon's ex girlfriends that made the parallel like#really fucking obvious#I cannot even begin to imagine what O'Malley thought the message he was sending when he originally wanted Scott to end up back with Knives#But honestly *not* ending up with Ramona would've been a starker conclusion to his character arc#Not that it's bad as is and if Ramona leaves you run the risk of putting her in the position of a tool for a man's character arc anyway but#you know what I'm saying right? The whole 'power of love' 'power of understanding' thing?#and the movie replaces the understanding sword with a self-respect sword centering Scott EVEN MORE#Not making Ramona the crux of his development because that's not her job like#She deserves happiness to and after deconstructing the manic pixie dream girl thing she can actually have that#I dunno I'm torn on it#my bullshit#seriously though wtf was the message of the initial Knives ending supposed to be
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After over 3 weeks of unsuccessfully checking several department stores that promised to have one, i Finally managed to find a body shop around here AND it had the banana conditioner i wanted so so badly. Life is good sometimes
#like i cannot tell you how Frustrating this was#i have no idea where they hide them but the 5 malls and department stores i checked before definitely hid them too well#i even went to lush instead which i never tried before and the shampoo and conditioner definitely don't smell as good#but they did their job well enough#but damn I'm so happy rn because I've had given up on ever finding one#(and yes. I'm drunk again because they only sold those makgeolli bottles in sets of two at that supermarket#so i had to drink the other one too obviously#I'm doing great )#i really need to find something to do with my life here though#i should develop a routine or something#start the day with yoga or pilates or something like that and then work on my papers#and then do xyz ...#rn i just waste my days#also the weather has been more bearable temperature wise lately#so i should start running soon#rn it's raining a lot though so i hope that'll stop soon#I'll check out some routes tomorrow though#i need to get more exercise#my room is too small to do anything strenuous so I have to get out of my comfort zone and work out/run outside#sorry I'm rambling#gotta shut up now. i have like 2 weeks left to write my 1st term paper so i need to find a topic tomorrow and message my lecturer#he'll judge me for messaging him so late but idc. I've never written anything in more than a week so this is fine#after that I'll write my other paper and then I'll be free until January#sorry got carried away#void screams
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